Grammys Diary 2008

(SOMEONE HAD TO DO IT, RIGHT?)

[Had to put the girls to bed, and so I missed the Time Reunion with Rihanna, and Prince as a presenter. But hey, three hours of Grammy magic is more than enough.]

2/10/2008 8:31:51 PM

Turned on in the middle of the Cirque du Soleil Beatles piece, “Love.” For a minute I thought they had hoisted Fergie to the rafters and were spinning her around. Wow, maybe Fergie will puke. Oh, it’s not Fergie? Damn!


2/10/2008 8:48:27 PM

Wow! Catch Kanye West, performing like someone who will be pissed again if he doesn’t win some awards. Go, Kanye! Cool outfits, too. Do Daftpunk know Kanye’s on to them?

2/10/2008 8:51:01 PM

Kanye moves into a slower tune and a tribute to his Mom. Standing between two pits in the stage filled by incredibly pasty and flabby mostly white kids (can more than 5 of them actually own his album?), reaching after him like zombies from a George Romero movie. Aah, that Grammy magic.

2/10/2008 8:57:45 PM

Ooh, time for an award. Are they giving out awards at this thing, too? I thought it was just lots of mediocre entertainment for the suits. Here’s Fergie to present, guess she wasn’t puking after all. Hmm, best performance of 40 year-old music accompanied by one wacko circus performance. And the winner is . . .The Beatles! A shocker. Ringo appears, but no Paul. Have we really reached the stage when Paul is the one who knows better? Oy!

2/10/2008 9:04:39 PM

And now, Cher, to introduce Beyoncé. Incredible. Can I go to Cher’s plastic surgeon, please? It’s as though she just goes in and gets re-conditioned every so often. Incredible.

2/10/2008 9:06:32 PM

And now Beyoncé introduces, Tina Turner. Holy plastic surgeons, Batman! Forget Cher, I want Tina’s. What’s lipo got to do with it? Indeed.

2/10/2008 9:09:39 PM
And now, the obligatory duet. Proud Mary. What if Tina falls over and crushes Beyoncé? Check out the anorexic back-up singer who looks like Avril Lavigne. How did they do that? Is cloning legal in Canada?

2/10/2008 9:13:33 PM

Another award. Nelly Furtado, someone I’ve never heard of, and Andy Williams. Bet those pasty kids trapped in the middle of the stage are glad to have a close-up of this. . .

Hey, an award for Burt Bachrach, cool. And now the song of the year . . .

Amy Winehouse: “Rehab.” Apparently there’s no live acceptance speech, go figure.

2/10/2008 9:21:52 PM

Woo! This year’s Grammy Moment. Woo!! Now there’s a contest that you want to enter. 15 minutes of fame and the loss of any chance at ever being cool again. Gotta get the details on that one. Playing violin with John Paul Jones and the Foo Fighters. Woo! And a song intro that sounds just a tad like “Stairway to Heaven,” coincidence? Ah, now the Foos’ trademark faux-indie sludge, will we hear a single note that the poor woman is trying to play?

2/10/2008 9:26:29 PM

Here we go, the big orchestral instrumental break, which fits not at all with the rest of the song. . . Anyone else out there wishing they’d just play “Carouselambra” or something and be done with it? Woo!! It’s over. Woo!

2/10/2008 9:33:24 PM

And now, George Lopez. As if the Grammys needed to go for intentional comedy. Introducing Brad Paisley, ‘cause Latinos like soulless corporate country songs just as much as everyone else. Nice look for Brad, though. Didn’t know Jake Gyllenhaal’s “Brokeback Mountain” wardrobe was out on eBay, but hey, it’s workin’ for you, Brad!

2/10/2008 9:38:41 PM

Hey, they got three Black folks up to present an award. Must be best rap album. Let’s hope Kanye doesn’t kill someone . . . Kanye WINS! Phew, no one will have to die. He’s still wearing the Daftpunk clothes, how cool is that? Uh oh, they’re playing the music while Kanye’s trying to talk, are they trying to get him to kill someone? Undaunted by THE MAN, Kanye keeps talking (giving props to Amy Winehouse, no less), and . . . the music stops. No one is cooler. NO ONE.

2/10/2008 9:43:51 PM

Next up. Bebe Winans and Aretha, who looks as though she ate the Avril Lavigne look-alike singer. No one who looks that much like Jabba the Hut should wear a practically sleeveless gown. OK, Aretha, props to you, you’re no Tina or Cher, and thank goodness.

2/10/2008 9:46:58 PM

And now, some New Orleans-style trombone. The pasties in the pits are loving it!!! Watch out, they’re trying to clap in time. Someone help them, quick!

2/10/2008 9:49:17 PM

Oh hell, this is one of those lame-o Grammy medleys. Wait, another gospel group is up, fronted by . . .Vito from the Sopranos? I had no idea. Oh, thank God (getting into the spirit, aren’t I?), Aretha’s back on. I think she sang for a total of 90 seconds. That’s one second per square yard of cloth used in her dress. More Grammy magic . . .

2/10/2008 9:58:30 PM
Carole King and Dierks Bentley introduce Feist, singing that mildly amusing song from the iPod commercial. A big spot for a folkie in a nice dress. But let’s face it, Amy Winehouse would kick her ass. Too bad the horn section is walking all over her, too. Is that a bearskin rug she’s performing on? Can we get Amy to perform on one? Please.

2/10/2008 10:01:54 PM

That was over quick. And now Kid Rock singing with a much older Canadian woman, Keely Smith. Rebecca says Kid Rock is too skinny. I tell her that’s what hanging out with all those porn stars will do for you. “That Old Black Magic.” Cute. On to the nominees for best rock album. . . What the hell is Daughtry anyway?

2/10/2008 10:04:07 PM

If there’s any justice, Wilco . . . oh forget it, the Grammys aren’t about recognizing good music. The Foo Fighters win for making the fourth or fifth version of their first album. Woo! Dave Grohl’s acceptance speech, first names only (thanks Clive, was that your pasty granddaughter I saw in the pit?). Let’s see if he tries to talk over the music like Kanye. Hell, no!

2/10/2008 10:12:01 PM

Ladies and Gentlemen (could it be Stevie Wonder?) . . . Yes! I thought I recognized that tent-like shape. Stevie honoring Berry Gordy. Pasties in the pit unsure whether to applaud (who is Berry Gordy, anyway?). Fittingly, Stevie introduces Alicia Keys, a keyboard player with pipes to rival his. “No one, No one, No one” believes that she really enjoys doing this drivel. Writ large, the curse of being too good-looking for the record company to let you sit at the piano.

2/10/2008 10:16:34 PM

And now, John Mayer appears. The pasties recognize him. Thanks for the 10-second guitar fill, John. Now, stop standing in front of Alicia!

2/10/2008 10:18:09 PM

Woo! Ringo’s back, professing his love for country music. Best country album. Sure to inspire a few yawns. Vince Gill wins. Apparently, the album features a song almost entirely devoid of rhythm, because they keep playing it as Vince walks up. And now Vince makes the mistake of calling out Kanye. I’m taking bets on what pieces of Vince will be found where tomorrow. Easy, Kanye.

2/10/2008 10:25:53 PM

Next up . . . Joe Mantegna? Honoring Itzhak Perlman and Max Roach . . .And so we’ll celebrate by playing . . . “Rhapsody in Blue”? Huh? Huh? and Huh? Wouldn’t be the Grammys without that cognitive dissonance. Are they playing the United Airlines theme music because someone has to catch a plane? Or wishes they did? I know I do. ZZZZ.

2/10/2008 10:33:37 PM

Can’t wait for the promised mash up of John Fogerty, Little Richard, and Jerry Lee Lewis. Can one of them take the title for “Most Embarrasing Grammy Appearance” from Sly Stone?

2/10/2008 10:33:59 PM

Juanes and Taylor Smith to present the next award. Juanes clearing thinking, “Yow, this chick is so mine, now that she’s 18!” And the award for Best rap/sung collaboration goes to: Rihanna with Jay-Z. They take turns giving thank yous, which makes it sound like Jay-Z is “interpreting” for Rihanna (she is from the Caribbean, after all) during the acceptance speech. Just shut up, and act like you been there before, Rihanna.

2/10/2008 10:41:44 PM

Cuba Gooding introducing Amy Winehouse, let the fun begin. “I’m No Good.” No “Rehab”? Amy looks as skinny as Kid Rock. What time is it over in London anyway? About 4 AM? What happened to the mole on her face? Removed or covered with make-up? Looks like she’s been practicing her Mick Jagger pout. Shadoobie! Whoa, a little wobbly on those heels. Ah, here’s “Rehab.” Double whoa, Amy tries to dance and nearly topples again. At the end of the performance –solid enough-- she looks chastened and penitent. Strange.

2/10/2008 10:48:35 PM

Back to LA. Tony Bennett and Natalie Cole. Honoring Doris Day. Doris Day!!??? Could the contrast between Doris and Amy be any more stark? Was this planned? Is anyone noticing this besides me?

2/10/2008 10:50:06 PM

Record of the Year. Rihanna, Foo Fighters, Justin Timberlake, Amy, etc. Amy wins!! Amy wins!! Take that, Doris! 30 years from now I’ll be showing up wasted to accept my lifetime achievement award. And now for the acceptance speech: Amy stunned. Almost speechless. Then she revs up. So much for chastened and penitent. Here come the thank you’s, including “For my Blake. My Blake incarcerated.” Nice.

2/10/2008 10:58:51 PM

And now, a commercial for those loveable folks in the Music Industry. You know, the parents of the pasty kids in the pit. The MusicCares foundation. Coming soon, the opening of the Grammy Museum. Woo! This evening’s show to be preserved forever! Save the Music! All those nice things we do, just pass our legislation so we can sue people who download music. And presenting, Eldar. Thanks for the 30 seconds of Oscar Peterson, Eldar. 50 years of honoring the mediocre. Woo!

2/10/2008 11:04:33 PM

The honor roll of the deceased for the past year. Josh Groban paying tribute. Playing piano, singing in Italian. Does anyone else wish this were part of a Will Ferrell movie? Isn’t it already?

2/10/2008 11:13:28 PM

Bonnie Raitt. Introducing John Fogerty, Jerry Lee Lewis, and Little Richard. Three old guys, each weirder than Amy Winehouse. Here we go!!! Fogerty, not looking a day over 60. Jerry Lee looking like he’s recovering from a stroke, yet still singing well and playing competently. Not an embarrassment, but a little sad. More Fogerty. Now Little Richard. “Good Golly Miss Molly.” Does Richard go to Tina’s plastic surgeon? Not too shabby. Uh-oh, Jerry Lee now looks totally lost. Phew! It ends in time for Jerry Lee to stay comfortably outside Sly Stone territory.


2/10/2008 11:25:31 PM

Will. I. Am. Singing “Mack the Knife.” Yes he can. He can rhyme Grammys and jammies. You got nothing on Will.I. Am, George Lopez.

2/10/2008 11:27:30 PM

Usher and Quincy Jones. Quincy looking surprisingly old and feeble. Album of the year up next. Foo Fighters, Vince Gill, Herbie Hancock (?), Kanye, Amy. They’re still worried about Kanye; Usher joking nervously, thinking about how to exit the building without coming across Kanye.

And the winner is: Herbie Hancock. Herbie Hancock? What? That sound backstage was Kanye’s head exploding. Guess Vince Gill is safe.

Herbie drops his speech, looking more feeble than Quincy, who picks up the speech and hands it to him. Herbie goes political. Yes we can, he says. You betcha, just ask Will. I. Am. They’re playing the music. It’s over. The Next 50 Years start here!
Woo!!