[Note: I didn’t have a chance to post this prior to the Academy Awards. Thinking about the two shows brought to mind some revealing contrasts. I am always struck at the Grammies by how many people there seem to either have no interest in music, or an active dislike of those who buy it. At the Academy Awards, despite all the outsize egos, you still get a sense that the people attending, be they actors, directors, or producer types, all really like movies. Or how about this: It’s almost always worth it to see all of the movies nominated for Best Picture, even if you don’t end up liking all of them or agree with the Academy on the winner. With the Grammies most years, you’d almost have to be clinically insane to buy and listen to all of the nominees for Album of the Year or Record of the Year. In other words, there’s just so much wrong with the Grammies – more so than any other show of its type – that you just gotta blog ‘em. So here we go with this year’s actual entries, recorded live, without the benefit of Auto-Tune]
2/8/2009 8:30:21 PM
This year’s starstudded event promises some actual Grammy Glory ® and, perhaps, not too many thoroughly embarrassing moments for past-their-prime stars. We shall see . . .
There’s no truth to the rumor that the Grammy Museum opened early in order to accommodate the egos of BOTH Bono and Kanye West.
No sign of Vince Gill this year. He’s not taking any chances that Kanye will remember being dissed by him last year.
This year, I missed both U2 and Coldplay while picking up the kids from Religious Ed. Class. Guess they had to get Bono out of the building before Kanye’s ego arrived.
But, at least I arrived in time for . . . Carrie Underwood, Nice dress! Now we’re talkin’ Grammies, all about the music … and the undertrou. Wherever Kid Rock is, he’s excited about that guitarist.
Next, LeeAnn Rimes, Sheryl Crow to present:
Best Country Performance Duo or Group
And the Grammy goes to, Sugarland. Yawn.
2/8/2009 8:41:15 PM
Next up, Al Green and Duffy: Song of the Year
Al Green sings, cool stuff. Duffy, looking like Dusty, is intimidated, then sings with him. It sounded better with just Al.
Coldplay wins, Coldplay wins, in Sargent Pepper Jackets, is there nothing this band does that is original? At least they credited McCartney.
And now, Kid Rock (wearing glasses the size of Chris Martin’s epaulets) . . .Woo! do it for the 313, say Amen, everybody.
Morphing into a tribute for Billy Powell, all those suburban Detroit white guys love their Lynyrd Skynyrd,
And then, morphing into “Rock’n’roll Jesus,” say Amen, indeed.
2/8/2009 8:54:57 PM
Miley and Taylor. Tween heaven! Singing “Fifteen,” yeah I can relate to that. OK, hmm, what else is there to look at, . . alright, I love the wood-grain in Taylor’s guitar. But whoa, check out the backing band in the pit, is that Nikki Sixx from Motley Crue? Who is that dude? How many Dads want their daughters going to see Miley or Taylor with creepy Nikki in the band? Bizarre.
Song over. Now they’re bantering, save me, please . . .
leading to: Best Pop Collaboration with Vocals
--if there is a God, Plant and Krauss win this . . .
And the winner is: God!!!
Robert Plant, still looking great; Allison smiles that “I gotta closet full of grammies, but this time I get to hang out with Robert Plant,” smile.
And now, someone who can sing: Jennifer Hudson.
Nicely done. Is it possible that this year’s Grammies won’t totally suck ? I’ll withhold judgment at least until the next Coldplay nomination.
2/8/2009 9:09:21 PM
Introducing the Jonas Brothers and Stevie Wonder, all bets are now officially off. Grammy Glory ® time, just how much money has Stevie lost in the market, anyway?
Wow, profoundly strange visuals. . . if Stevie could see, well, he wouldn’t want to.
Now Stevie, singing “Superstition” with the Jonas Brothers. Stevie’s kicking ass, they are not. Wait, is Stevie mocking them, the way he’s singing?
2/8/2009 9:15:48 PM
Blink 182, the Reunion – Woohoo! Next up: Best Rock Album
We’ll know all is right in Grammy world if Coldplay wins . . . and the Grammy goes to Coldplay!!! They keep name-dropping Paul, as if he was the cool Beatle.
Not to worry, after a brief period of good taste (well, except for Carrie’s dress) and decent music, the GRAMMIES ARE BACK.
2/8/2009 9:22:27 PM
Craig Ferguson
Mocking the punk era. Celebrating lesbians, and bi-sexuality, which means, Katy Perry is up!!
Wow! Riding down to the stage in a glittering banana. Nothing says gay like enormous fruit, I guess. Can it get any better than this? Well, yeah, if she could sing at all. Is she even pretending not to lipsync? Now the back-up singers are taking off their tops. Quick, where are Kid Rock and Nikki Sixx? Better yet, where’s Janet Jackson right now?
Camera cuts to the Jonas Brothers, who look seriously bored: “Like we don’t see better bi-curious chicks every day, dude . . .”
2/8/2009 9:27:28 PM
And now, Kanye !!! with Estelle. No last names, please.
Classy outfit for Kanye, no one looks better, except maybe Bono
On to the Best New Artist award:
Kanye complains about Estelle and Him not being nominated, which is really like him complaining about HIM not being nominated again. Welcome back, Kanye. We missed you.
Adele wins the award, not a bad choice. Acceptance speech: Chewing gum, she’s completely incomprehensible between that and her accent. Makes me long for an off-the-wagon Amy Winehouse.
2/8/2009 9:36:35 PM
Morgan Freeman to introduce:
No faux lesbians and fruit for him. Just . . . Kenny Chesney, hmm.
No comment.
2/8/2009 9:41:08 PM
Puff-Daddy, Natalie Cole, and Herbie Hancock for Record of the Year:
Herbie looking much better than last year. Winning a grammy can do wonders.
Please God, not Coldplay. Plant and Krauss? MIA.?
Plant and Krauss!!
Thank you! [making sign of cross]
Plant lets T-Bone Burnett talk. One sentence. Then Plant takes over again. He might be the only person in the room who knows where Wolverhampton is. Krauss silent but still smiling.
2/8/2009 9:48:25 PM
Queen Latifah
Introducing, MIA AND Kanye, AND Lil’ Wayne, AND T.I., AND Jay-Z. The RAP PACK, get it! MIA looks huge, great, and kind of like a bug. Polka dots, not so slimming, but as my wife notes, pregnant women can wear anything they want.
MIA is possibly the only woman who could hold the stage with these guys.
Wow, do those guys love themselves. No wonder U2 had to be on early.
First its black and white, and then its color!!! Yawn. An interesting mash-up, but it needed more MIA (that is, more of MIA rapping, I think we’ve seen all of MIA that we could possibly see outside the delivery room).
2/8/2009 9:54:39 PM
Kate Beckinsale
Saluting MIA for being 9 months pregnant - and just who is her ob-gyn anyway?
Now introducing Paul McCartney. With Dave Grohl on drums.
“I Saw Her Standing There.” Hmm, interesting follow-on for MIA’s oh-so-pregnant appearance.
McCartney looks great. Great voice. Still. Great hair. Not embarrassing.
On the other hand, Dave Grohl looks like he’s playing a Nirvana song. Dave, Ringo never made it look so hard.
2/8/2009 10:04:15 PM
Jack Black and Charlie Hayden
Honoring Hank Jones. 10 seconds of Hank Jones. Back to the important stuff:
On to Best Male Pop Vocal
John Mayer, King of Grammy vapidity. Thanking Michael McDonald, retired King of Grammy Vapidity; all we needed to know.
2/8/2009 10:07:16 PM
LL Cool J and annoying white guy.
Introducing the next Bad Grammy mash-up. Adele and Sugarland. This could be disastrous. Especially if Adele is still chewing that gum.
Sugarland, so overwrought, yet so dull. Almost entirely devoid of rhythm. Grammy Glory ® at its best. At least no mash-up, yet.
And here comes Adele, channeling Tracey Thorne and, of course, Dusty. She’s cool. She’s tasteful. She actually can sing. (Talking might be another story).
Wait, now here’s Sugarland, mashed up Grammy Glory ® after all. Ooh, brief but brutal.
2/8/2009 10:19:02 PM
Gwyneth Paltrow
To introduce Radiohead, (take that, Chris Martin) – hmm, who’s babysitting Apple tonight, anyway?
Radiohead with the USC Marching Band, where’s Fleetwood Mac when you need ‘em?
Great performance, although the tuba section got a little carried away; Thom Yorke rules; even cooler than Kanye. Wait, did I just write that?
2/8/2009 10:28:39 PM
Samuel L. Jackson to introduce U2, oh, no wait, that was the inaugural concert.
Instead, another mash-up, T.I. and Justin Timberlake:
That’s right, more Grammy Glory ®. Justin, only mildly annoying, T.I. working the 6-second delay. Did T.I. get that hat from Adebeesi in “Oz”? Nothing like Justin singing about the tough life on the streets.
Jay-Z applauding, perfunctorily.
2/8/2009 10:34:34 PM
President of the RIAA, (yawn)
--time for the annual speech on downloading?
--nope, just back-patting for the Grammy Foundation – yes, they can. Yes, they can sue you for illegally downloading their music. (Sure enough) Give a shout for new legislation, yes! Hah, I knew we could count on them.
--proposing a new cabinet position, Secretary of the Arts; hmm, a minister of culture, just like . . . France?
--now, introducing Smokey Robinson, who introduces
--Lifetime achievement award for the Four Tops. Why did it have to be after Levi Stubbs’ death?
-and now, the tribute. Jamie Foxx, and Ne-Yo join Smokey and the last remaining Top. “Reach Out I’ll be There.” Not bad. No one can do Levi’s voice justice, but all four give a credible shot at a line of the first verse. “Sugar Pie,” “Standing in the Shadows of Love” Well done. Smokey can still sing, though the remaining Top looks even better.
2/8/2009 10:47:21 PM
Josh Groban, a name synonymous with boredom.
Introducing Neil Diamond, a name synonymous with “Sweet Caroline”
Suddenly, we’re in the Bleachers at Fenway Park on a hot summer night. Ah, no. Those RIAA folks just don’t do the “So good, so good, so good, “ like the Fenway Faithful. Neil is Pure Gold, though. Bono’s got nothing on him. Nice eyebrows, too. McCartney’s thinking, “Damn, why didn’t I wear a shirt like Neil’s”
2/8/2009 10:53:06 PM
And now, the montage of folks who’ve passed away in the past year. . .
Ending with Bo Diddley, which means the Bo Diddley tribute and more actual Grammy Glory ®:
B.B. King, John Mayer. B.B smiles at Mayer overplaying, plucks at Lucille: Watch and learn, son. It’s over quickly, mercifully.
2/8/2009 11:02:36 PM
Gary Sinise
Tribute to New Orleans, Lil Wayne and Allen Toussaint and Robin Thicke
Wayne doing “Tie Me Up”. Robin Thicke channeling Michael McDonald. Not as annoying as Justin. Nice boots on Wayne. Solid performance. And now, Allen Toussaint, a true legend, playing some Mardi gras music.
Let’s see how long they give him. A good 5 minutes, alright. Bizarre dancers with little umbrellas – yeah, that’s what New Orleans needs, umbrellas. Toussaint’s virtuosity is almost overwhelmed by the blasting horn section. And, it’s over.
2/8/2009 11:09:29 PM
Will. I. Am. and T. Pain read nominations for
Best Rap Album:
Will still celebrating the Obama victory. T. Pain complaining about not being nominated enough.
Shut up, T., only Kanye gets to do that.
Lil’ Wayne wins. How ’bout that. Grammy got it right. An entire city comes on stage with him to accept. It takes a village . . .
2/8/2009 11:18:04 PM
Zooey Deschanel
--careful, don’t lose that dress, Zoey.
Introducing Plant and Krauss
Great songs. Nice wind machine blowing their hair. Was that left over from Zeppelin? Not such a good effect for T-Bone Burnett, though. Is Allison really that tall? No, Allison is wearing huge heels, and virtually unable to move. Wow, could Plant make v-neck t-shirts cool for the first time? Middle-aged guys all over America are wondering.
2/8/2009 11:23:08 PM
Green Day
For album of the year:
Coldplay, Lil’ Wayne, Ne-Yo, Plant and Krauss, Radiohead. Only one truly bad choice here: and the Academy DOESN’T PICK IT. Plant and Krauss win. A good album that people actually bought. Krauss finally decides to talk. A good speech by Plant, name-checking everyone, even good ol’ Buddy Miller. T-Bone Burnett looking smug and goofy in a 19th –century era suit.
Stevie Wonder saying good night. Without the Jonas Brothers? Thank God, yes! Stevie singing a new song. Aha, this is why he put up with that ridiculous Jonas Brothers spot. Crazy, like a fox, that Stevie. Crazy like a fox . . .
Monday, February 23, 2009
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